Identify & break patterns of behaviour that are holding you back
A wee while back I had an experience where a mentor of mine shone a light on some behaviour that I was exhibiting that seemed be recurring. I hadn’t realised my actions were repeating themselves but by stepping me through my behaviour pattern it was clear that a limiting belief was driving my actions.
Let me describe the situation for you……..
I was working in a role I had dreamed about for a long time. I sort of felt like I had arrived. But there was also a nagging feeling that I needed to prove that I was up to the task. On one occasion I was tasked with working on a project I had never been involved with before. On face value, that didn’t seem to be a problem for me because I knew that I could deliver with a bit of hard work and focus.
So, I diligently set to work: reading, researching, planning, strategising. Lots of hours, sweat and tears.
When it was time for me to share a draft of my work (waiting for the ‘ta-da’ moment)…………I had missed the mark. My work was ok but some of it not well aligned to the overall company direction.
As you can imagine, I felt deflated, frustrated and, well, a bit stupid.
Enter my mentor. He pointed out that he had seen this type of behaviour before from me……I looked at him – a bit confused
He asked me “what feelings did I have when I was introduced to the project?”
I said that I really felt like I needed to prove myself and that I was ready to show that I could work hard and solve it.
Then he asked me “what did you do as a result of those feelings?”
Well, I said, I worked hard. I really knuckled down and tried to nail the objective. I also said that I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone by seeking clarification, or maybe even give any hints that I didn’t know what I was doing, largely because I felt I should know already and didn’t want to appear needy.
He followed up with “What result did you get from your actions?”
I said “well, I clearly I missed the mark”.
Then he asked his final question, “have you ever seen this pattern before? Have you ever been new to something and felt like you needed to work hard and prove yourself so you bury yourself in a tonne of work in an effort to show everyone else (and probably yourself) that you can nail it?”
I meekly responded “Yes”
Now if we were to put what I was experiencing in a visual format we would put at the centre of the circle “Problem or Challenge that I haven’t solved before”
Then around it let’s summarise what happened:
I had a belief system that said I need to prove myself, do the job, and I don’t want to be an inconvenience.
Those thoughts trigger actions or habits. In my case they were: work hard, spend hours, get it done. I would also add “hide the gap in my knowledge or experience”.
At the end we land on results which in this situation were feelings of frustration, disappointment and disillusionment. These results, of course, fuel the feeling that I need to prove myself by working hard and not being an inconvenience……..which brings me right back to the start of the cycle.
But what if I had interrupted that pattern? What if when I came to a new problem or challenge that I hadn’t solved before I chose new beliefs? Like “I don’t know how to do this yet”. Followed by “I’ll check in with X to get their thoughts first”.
So how do you go about identifying your own patterns of behaviour? Given that behaviour is often linked to beliefs, one of the clues can be language. In my example, “I need to prove myself” was a good clue because it was suggesting that I didn’t think I was good enough already.
Other language patterns to be aware of include: “I shouldn’t…….”, “I can’t…..” “I’m too old / young….”
When you hear yourself say those words, it might be a good opportunity to check if what you’re saying is fact or fiction. If you think you’d like to adopt a new belief, write down your new one in a place that you’ll see it everyday (your bathroom mirror and a whiteboard pen work well here). Read it and really mentally lean into the new belief. You might need to do this for a while but kicking those old limiting beliefs out the door is a jolly worthwhile exercise!
