The email that made me rage and then didn’t ..

A while back I received an email that almost flipped me out.  One of those punch-you-in-the-gut types that can send you into a spin.  I went from a happy oblivious state to suddenly enraged in about 3 seconds flat.  Without going into the gory details, I was being accused of something that I felt was false and unfair.  Normally, in my pre-mindful days I would have phoned this chap and told him what I thought and where he could stick it.  A verbal to and fro would have ensued and finally feelings of rage followed by remorse would have followed.

But that was me then.  It’s not me now.  Now I have the awareness to feel and see what was happening.  As if I am sitting in the audience of movie (pottle of Tangy Fruits in hand) waiting for the explosion that, in this new script, doesn’t come.

I opened the email, read the sharp words and accusatory tone and felt my body’s reaction brewing, much like a Year 10 science experiment.  I could feel my chest tightening.  Blood rushing to my face.  Sweat forming on my forehead.  My legs and bum shaking (unfortunately not like Shakira).

And that was it.

The great thing is that mindfulness doesn’t mean you don’t feel stuff.  I felt every second of my reaction.  But I also had the presence of mind to see what I was feeling.  Really see it.  A bit like an orangutan inspecting its mate, bit by bit, moving through each part of my body to find the ticks.

And because I could see my reaction, I leaned into it.  I really felt all the feelings in full glory and allowed myself to feel them.  After all, feelings are totally normal and natural occurrences.

All of this gave me the space to stop reacting with my rage in full throttle (and my prefrontal cortex switched off) and make reasoned choices about how I would react.

Sure, I thought of a myriad of riposte I could return.  But, what was the point?  This individual felt aggrieved and my reply (even the funny ones) wouldn’t have changed that.  In fact, they probably would have made it worse.

So, I left it.  Took some deep breaths.  Went for a walk outside and mentally noted some things I am grateful for.

And it was over.  Much less drama.  Way less angst.  Heaps more happy.